September 23rd, 2004


Contemplations in a Cemetery (private)

Izzy and I talked for a while Monday night in St. Patrick's Cemetery. She seemed pretty drained, and I'm frankly grateful that she let me talk.

I hope this uncertainty about Piotr isn't making her want to cut her arm again.

She said Piotr went to Russia because Sergei wants to find some way of living independently from Piotr. I have to say that threw me for a loop. Don't get me wrong--I've lived in the wizarding world all my life, and it's not unusual for me to see six unusual things before breakfast. I can even imagine a way for Piotr and Sergei to live separately, now that I've had a few days to think about it. The answer's been sitting there in front of my face, all along. It was there in January.

But I don't know if the Ministry will allow Arcadia's potion to be used again. And if it is used, I don't know for sure whether it will work. Still, Arcadia's potion was meant for people who had two different desires they wanted to follow. Part of Megan was deeply in love with Nathan; the other part of her wanted to pursue other things. Part of Anders wanted to be 16; the other part didn't. So maybe it could work for Piotr and Sergei.

I won't be able to suggest it, though, until--if--Piotr and Sergei get back.

Something about being in that cemetery with Izzy calmed me. Looking at the graves of Thomas and Alexander Brannigan, I came to feel a sense of renewed purpose that I haven't felt in a while, a renewed determination.

I know, for sure, why I want to be an auror, now.

It hasn't anything to do with hatred for the Death-Eaters, though I do still hate them. I'm not on a revenge kick for Dad's sake. I want to become an auror because of people like Thomas and Alexander--people who just got in the way of the bad guys.

Yes, I know Thomas Brannigan was a member of the Brethren; I know he worked with them and cooperated with their plans to kidnap Izzy. But I don't think he ever expected them to go so far as to kill him and his son. I don't think he would have lain down his life in slavish devotion to the Brethren. No, he and his son were simply tools, to be discarded once used.

No one deserves to be treated like that. No one deserves to be ordered on pain of death or torture to do something they believe is wrong. Do I think Lukas Kovacevic would have killed the two of them, if he hadn't feared Darko Mstislav's reprisals? No, I don't. And that's why I want to become an auror. I believe people should not be victimised because they are in the way or because they are too fearful of something to stand against it. People should not have to live in fear, and their lives should be respected and valued.

Crazy as it sounds, even the Death-Eaters' lives should be valued. I don't know how I can think this, barely three months after they killed eight of my classmates, but I'm coming to believe it. I would be a hypocrite if I decided that some lives are worth saving, and others are only good for being thrown away. I want to do what I can to stop people who place no value on others' lives from harming them.

I hope I can make the Ministry believe that of me.
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