September 22nd, 2004


Whither Art Thou? (private)

Piotr's gone missing, and is apparently in Russia.

It's a good thing I don't bite my fingernails, or I wouldn't have any left. That letter Adams sent the other day...worried me a lot. It made me wonder if the situation with Piotr is a lot worse than I imagined--and I've imagined quite a few things which could go wrong.

Be there for Isodora, if she needs you, he said. Stay with your mother.

I don't think Izzy wants anyone around, right now, and I don't blame her. There are days when I'd like to do the same thing, when it comes to Erzsebet--just clam up and go away from everyone. Unfortunately, a 9 to 5 job doesn't really allow that. I'm sure Megan's found out the same thing.

And I guess that's a good thing. Keeps us from moping during the day, at least. The nights, though...I remember curling up in Erzsebet's attic room, studying with her. I see autumn leaves now, and I think of leaf-fights with her. I still have one of those leaves. It's a maple leaf--yellow, turning into orange and scarlet.

I want to go out into the thestrals' pasture and just scream, sometimes--because there seems nothing I can do to bring her back to the present, and everything I have tried has been a dismal failure, as far as I can see--only made things worse.

Knight-errantry is a thing for fairy stories. That's why we have fairy stories--because reality is frustrating as hell, and at least stories like that give us a false sense that maybe we really can accomplish something.

I know--that sounds so lame, to lose hope. If you don't have hope, then all efforts are in vain. But we don't know where Erzsebet is, we don't know who's inhabiting her body, and we don't know why that person refuses to relinquish Erzsebet's body. We have fucking nothing to go on.

It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to separate Erzsebet in my mind from this creep who's using her body. For my last three months at Hogwarts, I was talking with, being with, and falling out of love with a stranger who I thought was the girl I loved. So there's this part of me that yearns to be with Erzsebet, that loves her deeply--and then there's this other part of me that feels nothing for her at all, that has stepped away from her. It's stepped away from her ancestor, really, but enough doubts about our relationship have clouded my mind that I'm not sure what I feel, any longer. I feel like a traitor to what we felt for each other.

That sense of stepping away is why I became attracted to Izzy. Izzy is many things that Erzsebet isn't. With Izzy, I felt like I could be my normal, fallible, insecure, human self, because she is also human, fallible, and insecure. With Erzsebet, I could also be myself, but I often felt, at least in my own mind, that I didn't quite measure up. Maybe that's just a measure of my own insecurity; I don't know. But it's part of this feeling of nothingness I have that wars with the love I feel. Part of me does not want to be the consort of Erzsebet, the Perfect Woman. Yet I do love Erzsebet, and I want to be the man she loves.

It's driving me crazy.

So yeah, I'm feeling guilty, along with feeling frustrated and completely inadequate--and ashamed of myself for sitting here brooding over Erzsebet, when Piotr's in a horrible situation, at war with himself, Izzy is feeling miserable over Piotr, and Megan is feeling about the same over Nathan. The world is not comprised of just my woes, and I wish I could just get my head out of my arse.
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