I lied my arse off in my previous entry. I think if Lilith or my friends knew what I've really been doing, they'd have horsefits.
Hell, I have horsefits when I think of it. After that blazing argument I had with Mary Elizabeth about her going in to rescue Greg--who she can't even be certain wants to be rescued--I'm planning to go in after a woman who I know doesn't want to be rescued.
With no back-up. Brilliant, Graves, just brilliant. You know what a hero is? Somebody who gets a lot of innocent people killed. Don't be a hero.
I lied when I said I had no leads. I do have leads. And I'm going to follow them, whatever it takes.
I've been taking occlumency training with Dr. Alexander. I told Lilith I thought I needed it, and he's who she recommended. The problem is, I am crap at occlumency. Not for lack of trying, but simply because I don't have the personality for it. I'm too open. After all the things people used to say to me about me being too reserved and holding everything in, the truth is out. I like to talk to people. I like to be open to them. I want to know them, and I want them to know me. Given my druthers, I'm godawful honest, and there's not a damned thing Daeren can do about it.
I'm going to go in after Erzsebet, and I'm going to be an open book. I'm so
terrified, I can't even describe it. Daeren offered to obliviate me, but he's not as good at that as Dad was. He'd leave signs of his work, and the DE would crack me open like a boiled egg, once they saw them. They'd know everything there was to know about Dad. They'd know how deeply he betrayed them--not just in information given to the Ministry, but in his heart.
And the other thing that scares me is--what if Erzsebet loves someone else, after all this time? It's not beyond imagining that she'd have lost hope of getting back home. If she's found someone else who makes her happy, I'd be taking her away from that. She couldn't go back, unless she took that potion again. And I was such a messed-up arse for a while.
Even more horrifying is the idea that she might come back out of a sense of duty, that she might choose to leave real happiness behind--for the sake of me or for the sake of the Pack. Or for some other reason. I really hope that the price of sending the imposter back to when he or she belongs is not Erzsebet's happiness. It is a hard and bitter thing to know that that might very well be the case.
If the price is my happiness--So be it. I can't say I've been all that happy with myself since graduation. At least I would be paying the price for a good reason. And happiness is what you make of it. I think I'd be a pretty shabby person if Erzsebet were the only woman I felt I could love. Surely I have more heart than that.
I hope, when the time comes, I can at least ask her if she wants to come back. I don't know if she could still love me, after the idiot I've been. I don't feel as if I deserve her, and she might just agree.
I must be a real fool, because even though I dread the idea that she might agree and might feel nothing for me now but indifference or contempt...I'd still fight to earn her respect and her love back.
God, I am a fool!
But I must do this, regardless. She doesn't belong in the past. She belongs here, in this time, whether we have a future together or not. Her ancestor belongs in the past, and her ancestor has no right to do evil with Erzsebet's body. It's almost as bad as an Imperius. Worse, in fact, because Erzsebet can't fight this person from wherever she is in the past. So someone must fight for her.
I can't, won't, just stand by and let Erzsebet be used that way. So I'm going--into the DE.