Snubbing the Slytherin's Inner Gryffindor

(Private Entry)

Well, that was a stupid entry. I'm keeping it for historical purposes, but I'm revising my plans. I've worked in law enforcement long enough to know that you never go into a highly dangerous situation without back-up. I had that palpably demonstrated to me a few days after I wrote that post, when an auror did precisely that--walked alone into a group of Death-Eaters--and wound up very messily dead. It was a lesson to everyone at the DMLE, whether they worked in the field or not.

It forced me to think about what I was going to do and to reconsider. It's telling to me that no one has slapped me upside the head since I wrote the entry. Obviously, no one reads these journals, anymore. If I think to use them to solicit help or inform anyone of my clandestine whereabouts, I'd best think again. As it is, I warded this current entry private out of sheer habit.

So no more notes in journals; I will simply talk to the people I need to tell, face-to-face. The Pack already know, which is why I didn't include them on the permissions list to read my previous entry.

With their agreement, I wrote a report containing the information that I and the Pack gathered and submitted it this morning through official channels--meaning, to Madame Amelia Bones. Why? Because the DMLE need to know about an ongoing threat to the time-stream, and I want them to know that Erszebet Ivanovich is innocent, should she ever be caught among the DE.

And, because I want this to succeed, someone who is actually skilled in espionage should go after her.

It's maddening to realise that real life is not like the way it happens in books. I do want to be the hero in the story of my own romance, dammit--even if Erszebet turns out to love someone else or to just not love me anymore. I want to be the one who did the daring thing, risked all for love, etc. etc. I am willing to give my life for her.

But I am not willing to do that stupidly. I am not my Dad, and I don't have the wherewithal to insert myself into a pack of Death-Eaters and carry off an act long enough to subdue Erszebet's ancestor and bring him/her in. Millicent could do it; Draco could do it. Perhaps even Blaise could do it. I would be rubbish at it, and the plan would fail because I'd wind up being the one who needed rescue. My loyalties have been pretty plain ever since I was in school. My laughable attempt at deception would probably result in Erszebet's ancestor going even more deeply into hiding than he or she already is.

So I'm asking for help, even though it galls the wannabe Gryffindor inside me. Thanks so much, Sorting Hat, for making me aware of his existence back when I was eleven. Not.

The Best Policy

(Warded private)

I'm a complete open book to them, so...Fine. I'll just have to be a complete open book.

How is it possible to be gut-terrified yet at peace at the same time? I don't understand this.

I've tracked down the leads; I've read the books; I've done the work; I've hidden the spell. I'm the only one who knows the key to unlock it. Gotta love the Rubik's Cube. Still, I wish I'd been able to consult with Hermione about it. I have a feeling she'd have told Blaise, though, and he'd have tried to talk me out of this.

It would have been smart advice, too.

(Warded to Mary-Elizabeth Gregory)

Dear Mary-Elizabeth,

Itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout again.

I love you,

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I live  in her head.


This section warded to close friends (That's you--Megan, Raph, Rose, Izzy, and Ernie.) (And you, too, Greg, wherever you are.)

Because I figure you lot might someday forgive me for posting sappy medieval love poetry, whereas everyone else is sure to throw rotten tomatoes and raw eggs.

Could I forget her gentle grace,
Her glance, her beauty's sum,
Her voice from memory efface,
I'd end my martyrdom.

Her image from my mind I cannot tear.
all hope in vain, I do despair.
But such sweet pain I shall disdain;
I courage have to bear.

Then how forget her gentle grace,
Her glance, her beauty's sum,
Her voice from memory efface?
I'll keep my martyrdom.

--Thibaut de Champagne

Yes, I'm thinking about Erzsebet; why do you ask?

I'm hunting for the original French text.

* * *

(This part open to anyone who cares to read.)

I happened to think about Parvati this afternoon, and for the first time in a long time, I smiled. Of all the death and destruction that happened at our graduation party, her death hit me the worst.

When Erzsebet went missing, I felt as if an earthquake had hit, but I was still able to function. But Parvati's death...That was like being struck in the gut by a bludger and shattering into powder.

I think it was her openness and her innocence that I cherished--not to say that she wasn't worldy-wise, but her world consisted of nail polish and pretty clothes and interesting hairstyles and new dances, and there was no darkness in it--at least, not that she ever let show. She lived a joyous life, and I admired that. Having her life cut so short so abruptly was unbearable to me. All I could do was wail to the heavens, "Why???"

Erzsebet's disappearance feels to me like one more challenge we must go through together, and I'm willing to accept that, willing to work through the problem, no matter how long it takes. Parvati's death was just wrong. on some gut-deep level. I couldn't accept it.

Yet today I could think of Parvati and smile, and I'm glad. I think that's how she'd rather be remembered.
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Who Dares, Wins, Whether or Not He Loses

Viewable by Lilith Drachenstein and Megan Jones. It may be viewed by Erszebet Ivanovich, Piotr and Sergei Rachinov, Rose and Raphael Lathander, Mary Elizabeth Gregory, Simon Russell, Marcus Falconer, Severus Snape, and Gareth Adams at their discretion.

I lied my arse off in my previous entry. I think if Lilith or my friends knew what I've really been doing, they'd have horsefits.

Hell, I have horsefits when I think of it. After that blazing argument I had with Mary Elizabeth about her going in to rescue Greg--who she can't even be certain wants to be rescued--I'm planning to go in after a woman who I know doesn't want to be rescued.

With no back-up. Brilliant, Graves, just brilliant. You know what a hero is? Somebody who gets a lot of innocent people killed. Don't be a hero.

I lied when I said I had no leads. I do have leads. And I'm going to follow them, whatever it takes.

I've been taking occlumency training with Dr. Alexander. I told Lilith I thought I needed it, and he's who she recommended. The problem is, I am crap at occlumency. Not for lack of trying, but simply because I don't have the personality for it. I'm too open. After all the things people used to say to me about me being too reserved and holding everything in, the truth is out. I like to talk to people. I like to be open to them. I want to know them, and I want them to know me. Given my druthers, I'm godawful honest, and there's not a damned thing Daeren can do about it.

I'm going to go in after Erzsebet, and I'm going to be an open book. I'm so
terrified, I can't even describe it. Daeren offered to obliviate me, but he's not as good at that as Dad was. He'd leave signs of his work, and the DE would crack me open like a boiled egg, once they saw them. They'd know everything there was to know about Dad. They'd know how deeply he betrayed them--not just in information given to the Ministry, but in his heart.

And the other thing that scares me is--what if Erzsebet loves someone else, after all this time? It's not beyond imagining that she'd have lost hope of getting back home. If she's found someone else who makes her happy, I'd be taking her away from that. She couldn't go back, unless she took that potion again. And I was such a messed-up arse for a while.

Even more horrifying is the idea that she might come back out of a sense of duty, that she might choose to leave real happiness behind--for the sake of me or for the sake of the Pack. Or for some other reason. I really hope that the price of sending the imposter back to when he or she belongs is not Erzsebet's happiness. It is a hard and bitter thing to know that that might very well be the case.

If the price is my happiness--So be it. I can't say I've been all that happy with myself since graduation. At least I would be paying the price for a good reason. And happiness is what you make of it. I think I'd be a pretty shabby person if Erzsebet were the only woman I felt I could love. Surely I have more heart than that.

I hope, when the time comes, I can at least ask her if she wants to come back. I don't know if she could still love me, after the idiot I've been. I don't feel as if I deserve her, and she might just agree.

I must be a real fool, because even though I dread the idea that she might agree and might feel nothing for me now but indifference or contempt...I'd still fight to earn her respect and her love back.

God, I am a fool!

But I must do this, regardless. She doesn't belong in the past. She belongs here, in this time, whether we have a future together or not. Her ancestor belongs in the past, and her ancestor has no right to do evil with Erzsebet's body. It's almost as bad as an Imperius. Worse, in fact, because Erzsebet can't fight this person from wherever she is in the past. So someone must fight for her.

I can't, won't, just stand by and let Erzsebet be used that way. So I'm going--into the DE.
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Peeking In and Saying Hello

For some reason known only to my subconscious, I decided to open up this journal again and take a look at it.

I've been a mess for a good year and a half. Getting better now, however.

The Pack are traveling. That's what they said they wanted to do, once they were out of school, and I personally think they needed the time to themselves. The time after graduation was hell--for everyone.

I have not stopped looking for word of Erzsebet. I've had to go into some unsavoury places to search, too. Haven't found any leads, though. Whatever ancestor of hers took over her body, the person is just as elusive as ever.

Work is going well. If I do make it into auror school, I'll be almost sorry to leave it. I always have liked potions, and the work in our labs is far beyond what we were able to do in Professor Snape's classroom. The ways that subtle differences in pharmaceutical elements can affect a potion's outcome is endlessly fascinating to me, and the work I'm able to do here is immensely rewarding, at times.

But I know it's only second-best, and I know that, as long as I stay here, I'm only marking time. I'm not going to settle for second-best, anymore. It may be a good thing that I had this time. I hope I'm more mature now, with a realistic, grounded understanding of what the job is. It's not pretty, and it's not the ultimate solution for ridding the world of Death-Eaters. But at least it's something. And I think it's the right thing for me.

Only one las thing I need to do before re-applying.

Elvish Name

My Elvish Name is Nelyahin. What's yours?

Not a whole lot else to report, on my end. I go to work, come home and putter around the house, and study like an insane man for Arithmancy NEWTs. This is what I get for not simply taking the subject at Hogwarts.

I'll be glad when I finish the NEWT, though. I want to get back into volunteering weekends at the Birds of Prey Centre here in Newent. I've missed that.

How are you lot doing?

Seth, just trying to stir up conversation!
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Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes

Went out with Megan to the Weasleys' joke shop and lunch, yesterday. Was much fun! I'd thought I might take her to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch, but I decided to take her to a place called The Safari Cafe, instead. It's pretty interesting, for a Muggle place--all done up with jungle sounds and a thunderstorm that happens every quarter-hour, pouring a light mist of actual rain on the diners in rotating areas of the restaurant. It would be so neat to do it up as a wizarding place.

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7th year

Owl to Megan Jones

Dear Megan,

Just writing to make sure we're still on to visit the Weasleys' shop, this weekend and go to lunch. I'd like to take you someplace that's not your cafe--you know, part of Getting Away from It All. (g) Do you have any preferences?

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    "The Diamond Suite"